Chapter 22 opens with Mark and Danny standing in front of a judge. Mark is narrating. They were caught stealing books, which they intended to sell for drugs. Danny admits immediately to this fact, while Mark tries to convince the judge that he planned to read them and is interested in Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard. Danny gets sentenced to 10 months in jail while Mark gets off, on the condition that he attends rehab.

Mark pulls his trick of switching to “proper” English and puts on a big act for the judge when discussing his desires to get off heroin: “I’m no longer indulging in self-deception. With god’s help, I’ll beat this disease” (167). All the while, he’s internally mocking the judge.

After the hearing, it’s time to celebrate the “positive” outcome, especially Mark’s “stunning coup de maître.” Frank and Simon attended, as do Mark’s and Danny’s mothers and Mark’s brother, Billy. Mark’s brother makes fun of him for stealing books, and Mark points out that he’s stolen all the books in their mother’s house: “That’s a four-grand profit oan nickin books, doss cunt” (168). Realizing that she’s sitting in a house-full of stolen goods, Mark’s mother looks “heartbroken” (168).