Rosenberg advises that we need to tune into our complex and nuanced range of feelings in order to express our needs.

The Heavy Cost of Unexpressed Feelings

Society trains us from a young age to be “other directed,” rather than being concerned with our own feelings. People (particularly men) are expected to suppress physical and emotional pain and discomfort in favor of presenting a facade of strength. This creates people who are unable to express their emotions, and who are not truly known, even by those closest to them.

Expressing vulnerability and developing a vocabulary to express one’s feelings can help to resolve conflict and increase closeness, as demonstrated by a case study in which a group of technology workers within a broader company improved relationships with other employees by intentionally showing their vulnerability and humanity.

Feelings Versus Non-Feelings

Often we begin a sentence with “I feel,” but express a thought, rather than a feeling, such as “I feel like a failure.” Actual feelings would be words like: disappointed, frustrated, or lonely.

Building a Vocabulary for Feelings

Rosenberg provides a vocabulary bank which we can use to express how we’re feeling if our needs are being met—including, “absorbed, adventurous, affectionate, alert, alive, and amazed”—as well as a vocabulary bank of feelings which may express how we’re feeling when our needs aren’t being met, such as, “afraid, aggravated, agitated, alarmed, aloof, and angry” (44-45).